We talked for a few minutes. She told me that she’d had a plan to join the Navy out of high school, but that fell apart because her knees were bad. She told me that she’d just finished working a 12 hour shift on a food truck. She told me that she’d moved to New York for no reason, just to get out of Kansas. “But I’m so glad I came,” she said.
"After knowing her for six years, I called her and said: ‘I’ve got to go on a date with you right now.’ She’d just gotten back from yoga, so she told me: ‘I’m wearing yoga pants, and I’ve got yoga hair, but meet me for coffee in 15 minutes.’"
"So wait… why all this urgency after six years?"
"She was a teacher at my son’s school. I thought I’d wait until he graduated."
I turned to the woman and asked if she’d been expecting the call. “Not at all,” she said. “I thought he was calling about tutoring.”
Girl-in-black was explaining how much she enjoyed the fact that girl-in-white always wrote her handwritten notes. As she was explaining this, I noticed that girl-in-white’s eyes were lighting up. She turned to girl-in-black and said: “Can you cover your ears for a second?”
Then she leaned toward me and whispered: “She doesn’t know this yet, but it’s our anniversary this weekend, and I’ve just covered the entire house in sticky notes.”
"We’re doing an annual fun and sexy memorial run for our friend Joe. Joe’s still alive though. He’s actually perfectly healthy. We’re just trying to raise awareness for him. Awareness of Joe." “So wait, are you raising money for something?” “Nope. Just raising sexy.”
"Well there’s this girl that I’m friends with, and you know, I like her, but I don’t know if she likes me…" "Do you mind if I share that?" "I don’t know, if you share it, she might figure it out." "She’ll definitely figure it out." "… do it."
Sketchy Advice: A new segment from UCB Comedy. Established sketch writers from the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre offer sketch students advice on being creative, the writing process, and adding to a writer’s room.
This week’s featured writer is Glenn Boozan, a writer for UCB’s Maude team